Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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