Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
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It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
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Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
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