I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
