and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
PANTIES FOUND
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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