i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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