The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I've blown a few things in my day
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
