I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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