I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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