Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
