He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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