Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I just want to make out with him forever
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
