it wasn't lemon gatorade
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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