dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
