Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
