I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
