I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Houston, we have a squirter
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
You ate ashes out of my bong
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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