Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
