I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
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