just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
