Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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