He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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