saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
