happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
