Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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