The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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