you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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