Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
