my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
