if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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