life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
