im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
