Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
