he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
