Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
