dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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