I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
My sheets look like a crime scene.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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