I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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