I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
