I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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