proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
