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• (562): View more from California

  the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...

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• (925): View more from California

  This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.

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• (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.

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• (502): View more from Kentucky

  Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.

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• (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.

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• (563): View more from Iowa

  I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.

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• (904): View more from Florida

  Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.

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• (720): View more from Colorado

  I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos

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• (914): View more from New York

  I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.

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• (303): View more from Colorado

  Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.

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• (612): View more from Minnesota

  I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.

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• (612): View more from Minnesota

  Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!

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• (920): View more from Wisconsin

  In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!

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• (590): View more from

  why is half of my head shaved?

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• (218): View more from Minnesota

  Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.

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