Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
