I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
