New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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