I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
