My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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