I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
