I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
