You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
