I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
this will be a night to untag.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
