You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.