One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
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You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.