I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time