I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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