I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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