worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
