All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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