I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I just found puke in my bra..
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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