don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Randomize
