I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
that may or may not have been my penis.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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