My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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