so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
