Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
